I am sure that many, if not most or all of you, have heard of the show on MTV called, "If You Really Knew Me." There is also a Dutch version of this show called, "Over De Streep." (It means, Over The Stripe). I love this show. I think the whole concept of this show is wonderful. It simply amazes me to see how one day known as "Challenge Day" can and often does change the lives of many, both young and old. With this show, I have done a lot of thinking lately about how much of my life I actually expose to people. How many of you know the REAL me? They say on the show that people are like an iceberg in that we show about 10% of our real selves while we conceal the other 90% from the rest of the world. Well, I feel for myself that it's time to reveal a bit more of myself and who I am. Why? Because I have often felt so misunderstood by many people around me, and this has been happening most of my life...as far back as I can remember. I just want to be me and show you all who the REAL Jess is. So...here goes nothin'.
If you really knew me...
-You would know that I prefer being called "Jess" as opposed to Jessica because most of the memories I hold of being called "Jessica" have to do when people were angry with me or putting me down.
-You would know that I am super insecure about who I am.
-You would know that I almost never feel pretty, and I am very self-conscious about my looks and weight. I often look back at pictures of how skinny I used to be like after my divorce or during my childhood, and I long to be that thin again. I am very insecure about how old I look because I have often been mistaken for a lot younger than my age and not taken seriously because of it.
-You would know that I often feel very lonely, but I am often too scared and insecure to initiate hanging out with others because I am afraid of being rejected. I feel that people do not want to or have the time to invest in a friendship/relationship with me.
-You would know that I think several times a day that I am a horrible mom.
-You would know that I struggle a lot with homesickness. Though I miss my family and friends in the states dearly, I am scared to go home because of all of the drama and feelings of insecurity.
-You would know that I do not have a good relationship with either of my parents, and I really want that to change.
-You would know that I struggle a lot with KNOWING that God loves me and thinks I am worth. I question sometimes if I matter to the people around me.
-You would know that I am a perfectionist. I think this has a lot to do with growing up in such chaos and trying to overcome it.
-You would know that I love Jesus with my whole heart.
-You would know that I have a lot of dreams, but I am deathly afraid to pursue any one of them because of fear of failure.
-You would know that I put up a wall when anyone tries to get close to me. I have been hurt and rejected a lot my whole life, and because of that, I have a hard time trusting anyone.
-You would know that I love hugs. It's been a real adjustment for me in the Netherlands having to give 3 kisses to people or just shaking hands. I love to hug people as a sign that I love and care for them and I think they are amazing.
-You would know that I believe a lot of lies about myself. I want to be set free, healed, and delivered from that, but I don't know how to go about it.
-You would know that I am afraid to go back to attending a church because I am afraid of being rejecting and simply not fitting in because I am different, from a different culture, speak a different language, etc.
-You would know that I am a people-pleaser.
-You would know that I love to travel and want to go all over the world just to love on people.
-You would know that I am at a real crossroads in my life when it comes to pursuing my dreams and goals and also questioning whether or not I have accomplished anything in my life up to this point.
-You would know that I have a hard time with Christians because I have been hurt and judged by many of them. I have also been the one who has hurt and judged, and I feel horrible about it.
-You would know that I love to laugh and have fun. I love movies, dancing, playing games, writing, photography, and more. I would love to become and expert in any one or all of them, but I am not sure how or where to start. I lack a lot of self-confidence.
-You would know that I need a lot of encouragement and affirmation in all areas of my life.
...and I could go on and on. A lot of what i have written here is more negative than positive. I know that. I'm just trying to be transparent here. I am trying to let people in to get to know the REAL me and not some facade. I have a long way to go. I am a broken woman in need of a Savior. However, I think this is a good start. To be real with myself, identity issues and areas of weakness and work on those things. I hope to find people who can love me through it as I continue along the journey to healing and wholeness. I also know that I carry a lot of strengths. I am learning to persevere through it all one step at a time and try not to limit myself or expect too much of myself. That's hard. I could say a whole lot more about what you might know about me if you really knew me, but let's begin here. And with that, I also challenge you to ask the same question... If I or anyone really knew YOU, what would we know?
