I am sure that many, if not most or all of you, have heard of the show on MTV called, "If You Really Knew Me." There is also a Dutch version of this show called, "Over De Streep." (It means, Over The Stripe). I love this show. I think the whole concept of this show is wonderful. It simply amazes me to see how one day known as "Challenge Day" can and often does change the lives of many, both young and old. With this show, I have done a lot of thinking lately about how much of my life I actually expose to people. How many of you know the REAL me? They say on the show that people are like an iceberg in that we show about 10% of our real selves while we conceal the other 90% from the rest of the world. Well, I feel for myself that it's time to reveal a bit more of myself and who I am. Why? Because I have often felt so misunderstood by many people around me, and this has been happening most of my life...as far back as I can remember. I just want to be me and show you all who the REAL Jess is. So...here goes nothin'.
If you really knew me...
-You would know that I prefer being called "Jess" as opposed to Jessica because most of the memories I hold of being called "Jessica" have to do when people were angry with me or putting me down.
-You would know that I am super insecure about who I am.
-You would know that I almost never feel pretty, and I am very self-conscious about my looks and weight. I often look back at pictures of how skinny I used to be like after my divorce or during my childhood, and I long to be that thin again. I am very insecure about how old I look because I have often been mistaken for a lot younger than my age and not taken seriously because of it.
-You would know that I often feel very lonely, but I am often too scared and insecure to initiate hanging out with others because I am afraid of being rejected. I feel that people do not want to or have the time to invest in a friendship/relationship with me.
-You would know that I think several times a day that I am a horrible mom.
-You would know that I struggle a lot with homesickness. Though I miss my family and friends in the states dearly, I am scared to go home because of all of the drama and feelings of insecurity.
-You would know that I do not have a good relationship with either of my parents, and I really want that to change.
-You would know that I struggle a lot with KNOWING that God loves me and thinks I am worth. I question sometimes if I matter to the people around me.
-You would know that I am a perfectionist. I think this has a lot to do with growing up in such chaos and trying to overcome it.
-You would know that I love Jesus with my whole heart.
-You would know that I have a lot of dreams, but I am deathly afraid to pursue any one of them because of fear of failure.
-You would know that I put up a wall when anyone tries to get close to me. I have been hurt and rejected a lot my whole life, and because of that, I have a hard time trusting anyone.
-You would know that I love hugs. It's been a real adjustment for me in the Netherlands having to give 3 kisses to people or just shaking hands. I love to hug people as a sign that I love and care for them and I think they are amazing.
-You would know that I believe a lot of lies about myself. I want to be set free, healed, and delivered from that, but I don't know how to go about it.
-You would know that I am afraid to go back to attending a church because I am afraid of being rejecting and simply not fitting in because I am different, from a different culture, speak a different language, etc.
-You would know that I am a people-pleaser.
-You would know that I love to travel and want to go all over the world just to love on people.
-You would know that I am at a real crossroads in my life when it comes to pursuing my dreams and goals and also questioning whether or not I have accomplished anything in my life up to this point.
-You would know that I have a hard time with Christians because I have been hurt and judged by many of them. I have also been the one who has hurt and judged, and I feel horrible about it.
-You would know that I love to laugh and have fun. I love movies, dancing, playing games, writing, photography, and more. I would love to become and expert in any one or all of them, but I am not sure how or where to start. I lack a lot of self-confidence.
-You would know that I need a lot of encouragement and affirmation in all areas of my life.
...and I could go on and on. A lot of what i have written here is more negative than positive. I know that. I'm just trying to be transparent here. I am trying to let people in to get to know the REAL me and not some facade. I have a long way to go. I am a broken woman in need of a Savior. However, I think this is a good start. To be real with myself, identity issues and areas of weakness and work on those things. I hope to find people who can love me through it as I continue along the journey to healing and wholeness. I also know that I carry a lot of strengths. I am learning to persevere through it all one step at a time and try not to limit myself or expect too much of myself. That's hard. I could say a whole lot more about what you might know about me if you really knew me, but let's begin here. And with that, I also challenge you to ask the same question... If I or anyone really knew YOU, what would we know?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Late Night Edition of Writer's Block
I seriously have no idea what to write about tonight. However, since I bailed last night on writing, I figured I had better make up for it. So...here goes.
Well, the past couple of days have been...interesting. Family drama, laughter, hormones, exhaustion, getting back to the grind, and more. Sometimes I just want to stop and just be for a moment. I feel like I miss out on those moments a lot. Just to stop, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. To savor all that God has blessed me with, great and small, and just express a heart of thanks. Why does it seem so difficult to do that lately? Back to those hormones...haha.
Yesterday was NOT an okay day regarding my family (extended family, that is). I won't get into it now because I am just plain too tired and for the fact that my mother (oops! It slipped! ;) ) might try to sue me for deformation of character or something crazy like that. Ha! This is one of those "stuck in between" situations in my life. It's like this: my family has a lot of crap going on, and well...that's old news. However, how I respond to it NEEDS to change, and it hasn't so much...until now. It's that thing of letting the past go, leaving what's behind, and move forward. It's important that I put up proper boundaries with all of the people in my life, including family, so I do not get dragged into their stuff. This is a weak point for me. I find myself feeling guilty because I now live an ocean away and can't DO anything to FIX their seemingly impossible situation. It's frustrating and liberating all at the same time. I need to learn to focus on what's in front of me, and that's my family here...aka husband, child, and dog. They shouldn't have to suffer at the hands of my anger and frustration due to the never-ending drama that is my family. I need to learn to protect them from it. Better yet, I need to learn to protect myself, and I am pretty sure that the rest will come naturally.
I seriously wish Dr. Phil would take that email of mine seriously about wanting to become the next Dr. Phil family. My family is totally in crisis (on both sides), and it doesn't seem to be improving. If I do nothing, I am selfish. If I say what I think, give advice (maybe not in the most loving way...quite the opposite actually), I am accused of abuse. I cannot win, so why keep on trying? Enough is enough.
That said, today was a bit quieter, which was good. I had fun playing with my little guy and enjoying his innumerable smiles as he was moved about the house on a quest to explore the unknown...or to simply get into things he's not supposed to. I got a bunch more laundry done from vacation, and I was and am happy for the great, sunny weather this week so I can dry my clothes outsides since we don't yet own a dryer. I made what I think was a delicious meal for dinner which consisted of sweet chili chicken, white rice with raisins, and sweetened carrots. I don't think Jaydon cared for it much though since most of his meal ended up on the floor. It's one of those daily agitations, but I know we will look back one day and all laugh. So yeah...I guess that's it! Love and appreciate the little things in life that make you laugh, smile, and reflect. And never forget to say "thanks."
Well, the past couple of days have been...interesting. Family drama, laughter, hormones, exhaustion, getting back to the grind, and more. Sometimes I just want to stop and just be for a moment. I feel like I miss out on those moments a lot. Just to stop, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. To savor all that God has blessed me with, great and small, and just express a heart of thanks. Why does it seem so difficult to do that lately? Back to those hormones...haha.
Yesterday was NOT an okay day regarding my family (extended family, that is). I won't get into it now because I am just plain too tired and for the fact that my mother (oops! It slipped! ;) ) might try to sue me for deformation of character or something crazy like that. Ha! This is one of those "stuck in between" situations in my life. It's like this: my family has a lot of crap going on, and well...that's old news. However, how I respond to it NEEDS to change, and it hasn't so much...until now. It's that thing of letting the past go, leaving what's behind, and move forward. It's important that I put up proper boundaries with all of the people in my life, including family, so I do not get dragged into their stuff. This is a weak point for me. I find myself feeling guilty because I now live an ocean away and can't DO anything to FIX their seemingly impossible situation. It's frustrating and liberating all at the same time. I need to learn to focus on what's in front of me, and that's my family here...aka husband, child, and dog. They shouldn't have to suffer at the hands of my anger and frustration due to the never-ending drama that is my family. I need to learn to protect them from it. Better yet, I need to learn to protect myself, and I am pretty sure that the rest will come naturally.
I seriously wish Dr. Phil would take that email of mine seriously about wanting to become the next Dr. Phil family. My family is totally in crisis (on both sides), and it doesn't seem to be improving. If I do nothing, I am selfish. If I say what I think, give advice (maybe not in the most loving way...quite the opposite actually), I am accused of abuse. I cannot win, so why keep on trying? Enough is enough.
That said, today was a bit quieter, which was good. I had fun playing with my little guy and enjoying his innumerable smiles as he was moved about the house on a quest to explore the unknown...or to simply get into things he's not supposed to. I got a bunch more laundry done from vacation, and I was and am happy for the great, sunny weather this week so I can dry my clothes outsides since we don't yet own a dryer. I made what I think was a delicious meal for dinner which consisted of sweet chili chicken, white rice with raisins, and sweetened carrots. I don't think Jaydon cared for it much though since most of his meal ended up on the floor. It's one of those daily agitations, but I know we will look back one day and all laugh. So yeah...I guess that's it! Love and appreciate the little things in life that make you laugh, smile, and reflect. And never forget to say "thanks."
Sunday, July 3, 2011
What's In A Name?
Oh man...so I kinda promised myself that I would write a post on my blog everyday, and now I am cheating. It's technically tomorrow already as it's approaching 12:30 am on Monday morning. Hubby has to get up at 5 am for work as he begins his new project tomorrow. Maybe I should have been a bit smarter and gone to bed when he did at 10 pm. Nonetheless...here goes nothin'!
My blog. The name. I have been thinking about the name lately, especially during our recent vacation to Italy (just got back yesterday!), and I have had so many thoughts swirling in my mind. It means so many things. I guess the main theme, in a sense, would be conflict. I am conflicted in who I am, where I live, what I like, who I try to please, how to spend my time, and so on. The list continues, and I am not sure that it could or should be ending anytime soon.
I live in between two worlds...in every way. I live as an American in the Netherlands. I live as a married woman with some days having the urge to be single and "free" again. I live as a mother who sometimes has flashbacks to what life used to be like when things were "easy"...aka my life being my own in a sense and not having another life totally dependent on me. Phew. That was a change. But then we could get into the spiritual aspect of it all. I live in a literal world and a spiritual, supernatural one. I live as a vibrant, almost 30 year old woman (yes, I admitted it!) and still I find myself shrinking back into this insecure, people-pleasing, young girl who is simply a dreamer but is waiting for THEE supposed moment to occur in order to see most of those dreams come to life. I think you get the idea.
So yeah, all that said, this is me. This is my world...or worlds...plural. It's a struggle most days, but by the grace of God to manage to get by and even overcome the obstacles standing in my way...some days...not all. This is where the whole "work-in-progress" phrase comes into play. I am who I am with aspirations of becoming someone else...but does it really matter? This is just one of the many questions I internally battle as I go about my day as a woman, wife, mother, American Dutchie, expat, Christian, pet owner, homeowner, etc...etc...etc...
...and so it begins...
My blog. The name. I have been thinking about the name lately, especially during our recent vacation to Italy (just got back yesterday!), and I have had so many thoughts swirling in my mind. It means so many things. I guess the main theme, in a sense, would be conflict. I am conflicted in who I am, where I live, what I like, who I try to please, how to spend my time, and so on. The list continues, and I am not sure that it could or should be ending anytime soon.
I live in between two worlds...in every way. I live as an American in the Netherlands. I live as a married woman with some days having the urge to be single and "free" again. I live as a mother who sometimes has flashbacks to what life used to be like when things were "easy"...aka my life being my own in a sense and not having another life totally dependent on me. Phew. That was a change. But then we could get into the spiritual aspect of it all. I live in a literal world and a spiritual, supernatural one. I live as a vibrant, almost 30 year old woman (yes, I admitted it!) and still I find myself shrinking back into this insecure, people-pleasing, young girl who is simply a dreamer but is waiting for THEE supposed moment to occur in order to see most of those dreams come to life. I think you get the idea.
So yeah, all that said, this is me. This is my world...or worlds...plural. It's a struggle most days, but by the grace of God to manage to get by and even overcome the obstacles standing in my way...some days...not all. This is where the whole "work-in-progress" phrase comes into play. I am who I am with aspirations of becoming someone else...but does it really matter? This is just one of the many questions I internally battle as I go about my day as a woman, wife, mother, American Dutchie, expat, Christian, pet owner, homeowner, etc...etc...etc...
...and so it begins...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Introductions Are Not a Strength of Mine
Yeah, ya know...so with a new blog and all, I figure I should probably introduce myself a bit before I attempt to entertain you (hopefully not miserably) with the happenings in that which is my life.
I'm Jess, but my birth name is Jessica. I never really liked this name, and I cringe sometimes when people call me by this name. I guess it goes back to one of the childhood memories that feel worse than a toothache when you think about them where my mother or father or grandparent or whoever would yell at me or something and make me not ever feel like I was, am, or will be good enough at anything, for anything, or for anyone. Yeah, one of "those" nerves just got pinched. Anyway, just call me Jess...for now. Maybe after decades of therapy, I will be able to accept being called Jessica...who knows. But for now, just don't do it. Haha.
Oh, and my age. I hate talking about my age. Normally I don't, but this year has been quite different. Well, I guess that started technically on my birthday last year, which is in August, and then everyone has been agitating me with this sort of countdown just to remind me that I will be turning 29 for the second time this year, AND I don't look a day over 25. TYVM! ;)
I'm originally from a place called Syracuse, New York. Well, scratch that. I was born in Syracuse, but I have spent most of my life up until now in a suburb known as Baldwinsville, NY. Most of my family still lives in and around the area of Syracuse. I have a sister in Oklahoma though, and one of my uncles lives in DC. Oh yeah, and I live in the Netherlands now! I've been here for almost 3 years, and it's been quite a journey thus far. I guess that's a part of the reason for starting this blog. Anyway...
I'm married to a Dutch name named Guido, and we have a son named Jaydon who is 14 months old now. We also have a dog named Zaccheus, but we call him Zac or Zacchy. We have a cute little (and I mean little!) Dutch house with a cute little flower garden (back yard) and a white picket (nah, it's actually more forest green) fence in our front yard (which really isn't a yard at all. I love it, and I enjoy calling this place my home. I'm actually curious as to how long we'll be in this place before we outgrow it though! (No, I am NOT pregnant!!)
I love all sorts of things. I love music, movies, hanging with friends, writing, dancing, culture, photography, travel, languages, and more. I guess I am trying to figure out more about what I am into and the things that I like. I guess that insecurity and self-conflict comes into play way too much, and it begins to cloud my view regarding pretty much everything in life.
I should probably also mention that God is a big part of my life. When I say God, I am talking the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit kind. I am kind of in a weird place in my dealings with Him right now too, but we'll get to that later.
So yeah, I surely can ramble without probably not saying much of anything at all. I hope to keep this blog active, but who knows. I am so lazy when it comes to these things. I guess that's why I am writing to you at almost 1 am right now. Haha.
Anyway...that's just a little glimpse of me. If you want other details such as my hair color, eye color, bra size, etc., you might want to go shoot yourself in the foot instead. Goodnight!
I'm Jess, but my birth name is Jessica. I never really liked this name, and I cringe sometimes when people call me by this name. I guess it goes back to one of the childhood memories that feel worse than a toothache when you think about them where my mother or father or grandparent or whoever would yell at me or something and make me not ever feel like I was, am, or will be good enough at anything, for anything, or for anyone. Yeah, one of "those" nerves just got pinched. Anyway, just call me Jess...for now. Maybe after decades of therapy, I will be able to accept being called Jessica...who knows. But for now, just don't do it. Haha.
Oh, and my age. I hate talking about my age. Normally I don't, but this year has been quite different. Well, I guess that started technically on my birthday last year, which is in August, and then everyone has been agitating me with this sort of countdown just to remind me that I will be turning 29 for the second time this year, AND I don't look a day over 25. TYVM! ;)
I'm originally from a place called Syracuse, New York. Well, scratch that. I was born in Syracuse, but I have spent most of my life up until now in a suburb known as Baldwinsville, NY. Most of my family still lives in and around the area of Syracuse. I have a sister in Oklahoma though, and one of my uncles lives in DC. Oh yeah, and I live in the Netherlands now! I've been here for almost 3 years, and it's been quite a journey thus far. I guess that's a part of the reason for starting this blog. Anyway...
I'm married to a Dutch name named Guido, and we have a son named Jaydon who is 14 months old now. We also have a dog named Zaccheus, but we call him Zac or Zacchy. We have a cute little (and I mean little!) Dutch house with a cute little flower garden (back yard) and a white picket (nah, it's actually more forest green) fence in our front yard (which really isn't a yard at all. I love it, and I enjoy calling this place my home. I'm actually curious as to how long we'll be in this place before we outgrow it though! (No, I am NOT pregnant!!)
I love all sorts of things. I love music, movies, hanging with friends, writing, dancing, culture, photography, travel, languages, and more. I guess I am trying to figure out more about what I am into and the things that I like. I guess that insecurity and self-conflict comes into play way too much, and it begins to cloud my view regarding pretty much everything in life.
I should probably also mention that God is a big part of my life. When I say God, I am talking the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit kind. I am kind of in a weird place in my dealings with Him right now too, but we'll get to that later.
So yeah, I surely can ramble without probably not saying much of anything at all. I hope to keep this blog active, but who knows. I am so lazy when it comes to these things. I guess that's why I am writing to you at almost 1 am right now. Haha.
Anyway...that's just a little glimpse of me. If you want other details such as my hair color, eye color, bra size, etc., you might want to go shoot yourself in the foot instead. Goodnight!
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